As a Catholic, I used to feel guilty about my gay side. I say ‘gay side’ not ‘homosexuality’ because I’m bisexual. So was it my homo-sexuality or my sexuality as such that I had a guilt complex about? Did I feel as guilty about my straight side: mixed up about being mixed up? Was it moral guilt or psychological guilt? And if there is a definite distinction that can be drawn between these two forms of guilt, is it ever in practice possible for the person who experiences that guilt to tell them apart? Or for any person for that matter?
However, this way of presenting the dilemmas I wrestled with over so many years does not do justice to my ‘story’. This was not quite as my intro might suggest: just another screwed-up Catholic pre-conditioned to think that sex was, effectively, in principle sinful and dirty unless ‘redeemed’ in marriage. But this is not how it was for me: I did not grow up as a Catholic, and it was my coming to faith that actually allowed me to get in touch emotionally with my gay side and begin to accept it.
Prior to the series of powerful experiences that led me into first believing, and then being baptised, confirmed and receiving my first communion, all at the tender age of 27 (!), I had always thought I was straight. It was the love of God that I was given in abundance at that time that unlocked the door that had kept my gay side profoundly repressed until that point: precisely because I had felt profoundly unloved and had unconsciously identified my gayness as one of the main reasons.
And this, for me, has consequently been an unerring truth that has steered me through my struggles: that God loves me, not so much despite my (gay) sexuality but just as I am; regardless of my sexuality would perhaps be more accurate. The sexuality of a person is, in the eyes of God, of so little account set against the unfathomable immensity and mystery of his love that it’s almost belittling that love, and reducing it back down to our own petty horizons, to presume that our sexuality could in any way affect it.
That’s not to say that sexuality per se and our personal little windows on it – ‘our’ sexuality / homosexuality / bisexuality / heterosexuality – is not important, including in our relationship with God. But it’s important primarily in how it affects our ability to be open and respond to God’s love; to hear his call and follow it. If homosexuality is a sin, one of the most important ways in which it is so – and one of the ways, if I might use such language, the devil toys with us in relation to it – is precisely through our very agonising over it, which wraps us up in our own mental obsessions and emotional confusions, and crowds out that still, pure voice of God’s unerring love.
So in this, as in so many other areas of life, we’ve got it all upside down. The important thing – indeed, the only important thing – is always to come back to and go out from that centre of God’s love in our hearts; because that, and only that, will empower us to love others, and indeed love ourselves, as he loves them and us. And if we live in that love, then ‘our’ sexuality is truly of no matter.